Sunday, January 12, 2014

For Leah

The world's got it wrong about babies and parents.

Here's what we like to think.
When babies are born, they are our responsibility. We love, care, nurture. They are helpless little people, completely dependent for anything and everything. We hold them in our arms and they know they are safe. 

I don't believe this to be entirely true. 

Leah celebrates her first birthday today. 
We love her more than words can describe. She is the first rays of the sun and the fading light of the moon. Think of how all the worlds most beautiful songs make you feel and you will understand how we feel about Leah.
All the time.

There were so many times in this past year when I was worried, upset, angry.
But being a new mother, I knew I still had to be normal. So I held my little girl and hugged her, played with her, talked to her ... I watched her fall asleep. And in those moments, when her tiny fingers held mine, she brought me peace. As I sang her to sleep, she silently surrounded me with sanity, gently leading me away from the grey clouds I was under. She held me in her hands and her eyes saw through me, straight to my soul. 
Holding Leah, I realize that everything is going to be all right. She reminds me that tomorrow will be better and that today is beautiful. That she loves me, irrespective of how I look, feel, react. That no matter what...she is a part of me. And I am a part of her.

I am human and I forget this often. But luckily, right when I'm in the middle of my crazy life.....this little jelly bag of cuckoo tries to bite my nose and is most delighted when I act shocked that she's managed to bite it off. 
And she reminds me again. 

I do take care of her, yes. But Leah...she takes care of me.
She carries my heart.

So Leah... This is for you. 

My precious baby girl, 

I stop to look at you as I put my thoughts together. My heart once again, feels that now familiar swelling up - I think it's all the love that a heart can hold, that suddenly gets multiplied by a gazillion when it comes to you. 

You have brought unimaginable joy to Papa and me. This year, has been nothing short of magic. The first time you turned, sat up, touched your own face, recognized us, many firsts. We wanted to capture every moment, but just as we would finally get the camera out - you'd do something new. 
We finally gave up on the camera and just watched you, spellbound. 

You're a little comedian. You know when you're being watched in amusement and you feign ignorance, sticking to your adorable baby silliness. But we see the slight grin on your face. We know! You let out the most adorable baby farts, then turn to look at us to see if we heard and proceed to burst into a giggle fit! I realize that someday, you may not appreciate these little Leah revelations, but mamas and papas have rights too, y'know. A year ago, you were just a wriggly, constantly hiccuping ball of baby, in my tummy. Excuse my shock at this maddening growth spurt...I may be in denial.

You make the world make sense. When everything's maddening...spending time with you puts things into perspective. You push the negativity so far away, we lose sight of it. Like sunshine on a cloudy day - you make everything right. That's a big huge responsibility on your tiny shoulders, but you've got it. Piece of cake. 

We look at you and wonder. What will you do next? What will you want to be? Will you love basketball? And reading? Will you want a puppy? Will you be left handed or right?
But at the end of it happy, our Leedoo. Just be happy.

God loves you so much...he gave you to us and so many other people who love you to the moon and back. You are our song of joy and praise.
We were meant to be yours, angel. And by the grace of the Big Guy upstairs, you were meant to be ours. 

And me? I loved you before I saw you. Our hearts knew each other long before that. I loved you more than I realized and each day I love you a little more. You showed me a part of me that I didn't know existed.
Your tiny hands hold my entire world. 

With you, I love more deeply, pray more fervently, see more clearly. I recognize my own real happiness and I see it in others as well. You have taught me to be fearless and brought out the Mama Bear in me. I see good in people....because I see them through your eyes.

I love you. I will always love you.
More than words can say and more than you or I, will probably ever know.

You are our biggest blessing, our dream come true, our Baby Button, our rainbow of joy.

Happy Birthday Our Dolly girl.
You are loved.

Forever Yours,